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And they said Russia wasn't gay-friendly.. Welcome to Gorky Park!

Hostel Hunting: Moscow Pizza

Fresh, or more appropriately wilted, off a plane from Toronto I had successfully navigated the Moscow subway with my newly acquired Cyrillic skills and just had to find my hostel. Yet when I reached what I thought was the address it was just a plain, tall apartment building. Furrowing my brow I continued down the street to what looked like a pizza restaurant sign. Inside did not look like a pizza restaurant nor did it look like a hostel. The security guard regarded me as if I'd told him a marinara sauce recipe in Italian when I inquired 'hostel?' so I retreated. Reconsulting my address I peered around before returning to the original place. There was no buzzer so I tried the door and sure enough it opened to a small dark foyer. Inside a glass booth not unlike an old fashioned cinema vendor sat a curmudgeonly old lady but she did react when I repeated my query. Hesitantly I handed over my passport when prompted and nearly five minutes later a young lady appeared at the locked inner door to bring me to the third floor hostel.

Moscow Positions

Security Guard

Requirements include:
- Grumpy attitude
- Scowl
- Laziness
- Simple mindedness

Must be able to spend long hours doing nothing, even when the metal detector or alarm goes off

Starting date: I imagine we can find one mall entrance, apartment building, store, bar, or street corner somewhere in Moscow that doesn't already have a guard and surely requires one.

Snow removal technician

Flexible availability a must as you're going to be on the sidewalk during and after every snowfall. Your role will be vital in keeping Moscow's sidewalks clear of the enemy, slush. Do not fret about recent warm temperatures as you can still work by leaning on your broom or shovel and occasionally shifting one snowbank to another.

Note that those who show promise may move up in their role, literally. Select roof clearing positions available if willing to strap in and shovel roof tops down onto the passers by.

Luggage handler

Strength and good humour will make you the perfect candidate for manipulating one large backpack from city to city across eastern Europe. Beginning immediately and continuing for four months. Rate set at one Canadian dollar ($) per pound (lb) per hour (h) - approximately $40/h. Room and board not included.

Moscow Animals

Sure almost every city has pigeons, it's the little brown birds here that get into everything from the pedestrian underpasses, to the subways, to the malls and even spotted in the grocery store.

The fabled Moscow strays haven't been nearly as prominent as anticipated. I have only seen a pointy eared, perky tailed, brown and tan pup cutely trotting around an outdoor mall receiving the attention he desired, and two days later that pup all grown up and lazing on the snowy slope of the Kremlin. No subway spottings yet!

In the sports betting bar there was cruelly a maze which fat rats were being raced through much to the disapproval of, well of only me, since there was nobody else present.

Finally the chickens! Seen both in the roads and behind the wheels. Primarily at well marked crosswalks of 5 lane streets where the one behind the wheel refuses to stop until the other one on the road is actually directly in front of it in its lane. Nearly witnessed a chicken with its head knocked off as lane after lane of brakes locked up one snowy, frozen morning.

Armoured but Hardly Dangerous

As instructed by a few guides I arrived at the Kremlin ticket office a dozen minutes before opening hours but with a scant few wannabe patrons milling about it seemed unnecessary. A couple minutes after schedule (or on Moscow time) a ticket window other than the one we were all queued at cracked its blinds and naturally all of the people who had arrived after me were huddled around it before I could even consider jumping ship. Sighing I couldn't beat them and scooted over just in time for the few behind me to bump up to the now opened window I had just vacated.

Despite ending up at the very end of all lines it appeared I'd still have a crack at an Armoury ticket but the lady refused me. As I'd just witnessed from an adamant 12 year old boy (and had already witnessed on a few previous occasions) the appropriate reaction when told 'no' by somebody is to raise your voice, gesticulate wildly and laugh defiantly in their face - but without the language I could hardly accomplish step one, and two and three just aren't my style. Eventually I deduced she simply couldn't make change for my thousand rouble bill (baller!) and I joined the end of yet another line before securing my ticket and scurrying after the surprisingly spry fur-coated Russian grandmothers and juvie. Pulling up to the ubiquitous security gate just in front of a gaggle of Russian school children I regretted not bringing my headphones and was relieved to find an English language audio guide.

It succeeded only in offering the dullest explanations of some of the most astounding artifacts I have ever seen. "Here is the solid gold 3kg plate holding Catherine the Great's wedding crown consisting of the invaluable gems seen, encrusted with over 300 diamonds. Now please direct your attention to case 22 behind you." No warning to first put on your sunglasses for the glare from the jewels nor a moment to close your gaping mouth before "this chain mail from the 12th century is composed of 20,000 individually stamped hoops, making it easier to manoeuvre than the full body armour seen weighing twice as much at 30 kg. This was *yawn* donated in 1864 by somebody you've never heard of." And finally having pointed out an entire-lamb-sized golden platter depicting a long tale within its carving the monotone added, as if an afterthought, "this is one of a 3000 piece set." There are 2999 more of these??

Perhaps my favourite understatement of this magnificent collection came from the numbered explanation index cards in each cabinet - presumably provided to further enlighten visitors about the treasures on display. Curious about the pair of metre and a half tall intricately engraved silver and gold v-shaped objects I looked them up to be told simply "Giant Cups."

Having whistled, laughed and impressed-scoffed my way through the extraordinary exhibits of utter opulence, while successfully dodging the young groups of nose-pickers, I had returned to a late fifteenth century copper globe. It showed only partially discovered coast lines on many continents and 'Terra Australis Incognita' engraved over an otherwise blank south pole. As I marvelled a Russian man around my age struck up a conversation, a rarity as most people either blush or bluster when I speak in English, and soon found myself sharing a drink with a third Russian man of the week, learning about the politics, education and lifestyle of my host country while also picking up on the common attitudes and beliefs. As an added bonus he was visiting from the Russian city I am set to visit post Olympics, Krasnodar, and has agreed to show me around!

Moskva

All was swell traveling from Toronto to Moscow. Following a proper sendoff the night before I didn't have much trouble catching a few winks between gladly seeing that Life of Pi largely stayed true to the book and assisting the elderly, Russian-speaking gent in the aisle seat next to me with his screen. He may not have much technological prowess but, oh boy, what a bladder!